Friday, February 17, 2012

Lauren's Lessons for Life, updated

Lauren's Lessons for Life (originally posted 2/17/09)

1. you're only as old as the number of kids you have
2. never share a living arrangement with someone you refer to as "Crazy Bitch." Or Crazy anything, really.
3. never make any life changing decisions (getting married, having a child, adopting a pet) because you think you should or someone tells you that you have to, only do it because you know you want to (and you're financially and situationally able to)
4. never make any life changing decisions because you think it will "make things better"
5. always dance to "your song" before you dance to it at your wedding
6. never get your partner's name (or lips) tattooed onto your body -that's just a fast track to doomsville (ask Johnny Depp or Tommy Lee if you don't believe me)
7. just because you can doesn't mean that you should (just ask billionaire John Hammond, founder and chief executive officer of International Genetic Technologies, if you don't believe me)
8. never buy anything from a "but wait! if you call now..." commercial and expect it to perform as advertised
9. never discuss another man's meat
10. never argue with a hot chick (especially when she's offering you alcohol)
11. shut the fuck up and drink
12. you can either shoot someone or you can tell them a story, but you don't get to do both (thanks, Dr. House)
13. never, ever wear clothes with words written across your butt -unless you are a roller derby girl and/or you're getting paid for it
14. never be in the wedding of anyone you actually want to remain friends with afterward
15. never put anyone else's marbles into your barn unless you first ask their permission
16. never close your eyes while you're spanking your monkey
17. life is too short to not eat the cookies
18. never bracket a sandwich
19. never have a bumper sticker that you can't defend in an elevator speech when confronted by an angry and unintelligible driver next to you at a stoplight
20. if you feel you need to complain about your partner on Facebook, maybe don't be in that relationship

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