Wednesday, July 22, 2009

If you can't walk properly, perhaps you should re-think your clothing.

Unless you are in your very own yard or on a beach, it is never okay to wear flip flops. I don't care how trendy they are or if everyone is wearing them (if everyone jumped off a bridge ...oh wait, never mind) -and besides, I guarantee you, NOT everyone is wearing them- or if they are "just so comfortable" or any of the other myriad reasons people spew out for taking part in that footwear train wreck. IT IS NOT OKAY.
Not all shoes that flip and flop are flip flops, I realize this. The others are called "sandals" and they are real shoes. Flip flops are not real shoes. They are rubber and plastic, usually dirty, always annoying, and never appropriate in a public environment. Neither are Crocs.

Some articles of clothing have certain purposes and certain approved public places. Gym shorts and spandex are obviously okay at the gym. NOT AT A METAL SHOW OR IN AN OFFICE!! Crocs might be acceptable if you're a pool cleaner. Or a nurse. And you never want to run anywhere ever. Pajamas are good for home wear. NOT AT THE MALL OR AT THE OFFICE. Perhaps when you are in a crowd, like at a concert or the public market, you would do well to wear shoes that protect your feet -i.e. not flip flops. And when it's raining? Yeah, you shouldn't wear rubber shoes that have no traction. Unless you want me to laugh uproariously at you when you fall on your ass. And plaid shorts? Well, plaid shorts are just never okay. Unless you're in hell sitting next to the Bay City Rollers.

You may think me stuffy or uptight, and that's fine. I'll take your opinion and stick it in the back of my closet underneath the gardening tools, where flip flops belong. And if you think it's okay to wear flip flops to work or pajamas out in public or think you'll be taken seriously wearing plaid pants or gym shorts, well, I hope your inappropriate clothing gets caught in an escalator and a bloodbath ensues.

And yes, I am exactly the right amount of upset about this.