Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Lent is coming...

It would appear that I haven't written a blog post since last Lent. Mostly, I assume, because I have been furiously ranting about everything from homeopathy to antibiotics to probiotics to vaccines to evolution on the Fazebooks. But, it's time to get back on the wagon. Or off the wagon. Or the killing floor. Whatever metaphor you want, insert here.

These past couple of months have been more careless than I would like, but mental illness does funny things to the brain. No excuses. No reasons. Just quandarys.

2012 and 2013 were delicious trails of carnage and collapsed ethics, and even though I've tasted the glory of the flesh a number of times this year, I've still forbidden myself the true delights such as the incredibly sexy carpaccio and the nearly-overwhelming Yeti Burger... Burgers, sushi, meatballs, pastrami, Cubans, barbecue, beef on weck, bacon-wrapped filet... So much flesh, so little time.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Lent, 2013

Once again, 'tis come: the most wonderful time of the year. As nothing says you care like hypocrisy, and nothing says disrespect like mockery...
Granted, this year I wasn't as strict in the off-season as I would otherwise have been -but fuck you, my mom died (and sometimes nothing but a burger will ease one's grief). My plan is to go full glutton for the next 40-odd days, and then get back on the wagon come Easter. Maybe next year, I'll go full vegan.

2013's catalog of carnage commences as contained within...
- 2/13 Wegmans Ready-to-Cook Specialty Bacon Cheddar Burger
- 2/14 (Valentime's Day!) Agatina's Filet Oscar (two 4oz filet medallions with fresh mushrooms and  asparagus, sautéed with Cognac sauce, topped with lump crab and Bearnaise sauce)
- 2/15 Rookie's burger
- 2/17 Cuban sandwich at Bathtub Billy's
- 2/19 Bacon & Bleu Sirloin at Friday's
- 2/20 all-you-can-eat wings at Martino's (I ate 24; Plumber Joe ate 20; Wayne-o and Donno each ate 18; Andy ate 12 -that's 92, total, in case you're wondering)
- 2/22 Rookie's loaded potato skins (that means onions, AND bacon)
- 2/23 Rookie's roast beef panini
- 3/02 Wegmans' roast beef sub, with pickles, provolone, honey mustard, lettuce, and onions
- 3/02 Famous Dave's Ultimate BBQ Burger, but with regular bacon and pickles instead of the scary pepper kind, and with onions instead of tomatoes, and a side of potato salad
- 3/06 Beef tenderloin carpaccio with capers, red onion, white truffle oil, micro greens & a crispy parmesan “tuile” at  Black & Blue Steak and Crab
- 3/07 Bill Gray's burger plate, which is seriously pretty much a Garbage Plate™ on a bun. So, cheeseburger, mac salad, and french fries, plus I added mustard, ketchup, onions, and pickles.
- 3/08 Hot dog (loaded with onions, ketchup, mustard), french fries, and pickles, at  Wimpy's Burger Basket.
- 3/08 Rookie's beef on weck -which, I just learned, is a western New York "delicacy", much like salt potatoes, garage plates, and Buffalo wings...
- 3/13 Monty's Krown's Yeti Burger: bacon grilled cheese sandwich buns surrounding a cheeseburger, with egg. Also, there were fries.
- 3/16 Rizzi's filet mignon (served wrapped in bacon, with sauteed mushroom caps, and accompanied with bernaise sauce), with steamed vegetables, and (cauliflower, white cabbage, sour cream, and bacon) mashed potatoes
- 3/20 Another Yeti burger -it was Ostara, after all, and eggs are one of the key foods for the sabbat!
- 3/23 Sweet onion chicken teriyaki sub from Subway, with provalone, cucumbers, dill pickles, lettuce, red onion, and, of course, sweet onion sauce
- 3/27 Jitters' Carolina Pork BBQ sandwich (pulled pork, Jitters' BBQ sauce, provolone cheese, and coleslaw grilled on ciabatta bread)
- 3/30 Red Lobster's Maine Lobster & Shrimp Trio (wood-grilled Maine lobster tail, garlic-grilled shrimp, and lobster-and-shrimp mac 'n' cheese with a white Cheddar and bacon sauce, topped with Parmesan crumbs. Served with wild rice pilaf.
- 3/31 Wegmans' raw sushi Kyoto-esque platter

And that'll do it. Probably, I've put on ten pounds with all this flesh in my diet. Nothing fits right. I'm tired all the time. I might be having tiny heart attacks all day, every day. Until next year, kids... ALL YOUR VEGGIE ARE BELONG TO ME!!!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Pink Stink

Hey, y'all! Did you know that it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month? Of course you did. You'd have to be blind to get through Pinktober without being bombarded by vacuum cleaners and plastic bracelets and sponges... Well, I've got to tell you: I'm pretty fucking aware of breast cancer. Unless you're living in a cave, you're probably pretty fucking aware of breast cancer and of cancer as a whole. Unless you're a monster who thinks that cancer is a punishment from God, you're probably pretty anticancer. You probably want to stab cancer in the eye. I'm all for that. I'm all for research and treatment and helping poor people get the treatments they need. Awareness, though? I think we've got awareness covered.
Plus, so many pink campaigns are just cashing in on the popularity of breast cancer "awareness," while not necessarily putting any proceeds toward actually fighting breast cancer. That pink blender that's $20 more than the regular blender? Probably not sending the extra money to any reputable research organization. Those pink earrings with your favorite football team's symbol? Probably not actually doing any good. Changing your profile picture to something pink? Maybe it helps your friends know that you support them, but the only way it fights cancer is if you send actual monies somewhere.

Do me a favor, this October... Don't buy pink stuff. Or, if you really want to buy pink stuff, then buy pink stuff that actually DOES something. Forbes has three simple tips for determining whether a project or product is worth your time, whether buying it actually supports cancer research or is just a pinkwashing scam.

Better yet: donate your money directly to a legitimate, accredited cancer research organization -preferably one that understands how important Planned Parenthood is to women's health...- or an organization that actively assists women who have cancer in order to make their lives better.

For example, (nationally) the American Cancer Society; (locally) the Breast Cancer Coalition of Rochester and the Pluta Cancer Center. As always, check out any potential charities and organizations through the BBB, to ensure they're reputable and respected.

Cancer fucking sucks, but pinkwashing is not helping anything. So, stop it. Stop it, and do some actual good.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

head rattlers

That is, things that rattle around in my head. Things I know. Things people often roll their eyes at when I mention them. Things no one thinks are true. But are.

- The Great Lakes hold enough water to cover the 48 contiguous U.S. states nearly 10 feet deep.
- If you cut Mount Everest off at sea level, turned it upside down and put it into the Challenger Deep, there would still be over a mile of water over the top of it.
- A blue moon is actually not all that rare: there’s one every two or three years.
- Due to a lack of genetic diversity and its susceptibility to Panama Disease, the banana we know (the Cavendish) is going extinct. The Cavendish replaced the Gros http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifMichel, which was wiped out by another Panama Disease strain in the 1960s.
- When considering average smoothness, if you shrank the Earth down to the size of a billiard ball, the Earth would be smoother.
- The potato is a member of the nightshade family; the sweet potato is a member of the morning glory family.
- A tube of sausage is called a chub.
- Mother Theresa and Mohandas Gandhi were actually NOT that awesome.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Lent Blog, 2012

Lent only comes once a year, and for me it is the most wonderful time of the year. Because nothing says you care like hypocrisy, and nothing says disrespect like mockery, I spend the 40-odd days between Mardi Gras and Easter stuffing my face full of every kind of meat I've been craving the whole rest of the year. Ethics be damned. I'll be back off factory-farmed meat when Jesus rolls out of his cave (that's how that works, right?), but in the meantime let's work my way through my catalog of carnage...

2/22 Agatina's: pasta platter special (gnocchi, ravioli, lasagna, meatball)
2/24 Rookie's: giant rare cheeseburger, with red onions and lettuce. and salad.
3/2 Jim & Ralph's: cheeseburger, with lettuce, onions, ketchup, mustard. and fries.
3/2 Rookie's: BBQ bacon cheeseburger wrap (tomatoes, bacon, onion, lettuce, cheddar jack cheese -NO jalapenos)
3/3 The (original) Crab Shack: Surf & Turf (ribeye steak with bacon-wrapped mango scallops, plus corn bread, salt potatoes, and corn on the cob)
3/5 Wegmans' bacon cheddar burger (served with cheesy mashed potatoes)
3/7 Martino's: Wing Wednesday! All You Can Eat! Plus cheesy bread! My record (set down in 2011) is 24 wings, though this time I only managed 20. I did tuck away six slices of cheesy bread, though, too.
3/9 Rookie's: Dugout Platter (two hot dogs over fries and mac salad -no onions or hot sauce, though!)
3/10 Panera: Asiago Roast Beef sandwich (oven-roasted beef, smoked cheddar, lettuce, red onions, creamy horseradish sauce, on Asiago cheese bread -hold the tomatoes!) and broccoli cheddar soup
3/10 Martino's: meatball sub and garlic parmesan chicken wings
3/11 McDonald's McGangBang (McChicken inside of a McDouble, with a large fry of course
3/12 Ballpark hot dogs with bacon and American cheese
3/14 Rohrbach's: pastrami sandwich (tasty, but a little overpowered by the rye bread -and by the bitch and the bar)
3/15 corned beef wrap (served at the company lunch, from Palermo's)
3/15 Rookie's cheeseburger quesadilla (ground sirloin, tomatoes, onions, shredded cheddar jack cheeses -hold the jalapenos)
3/21 California Rollin': all-you-can-eat sushi (chef's choice. I got 32 rolls, eight each of tuna, whitefish, crab, shrimp. not sure what their fancy names are.)
3/26 Ballpark hotdogs with bacon and melted emmentaller cheese
3/28 Skylark Lounge: BBQ pork balls with a side of deep fried mashed potato balls
The Skylark Lounge is located where Muther's used to be, on Union Street in Rochester NY. They have live music and lots of liquor and no TVs and their menu is all meatballs. Pick your ball (traditional ground beef, barbecue pork, spicy chicken, vegetarian, or the day's specialty ball), pick your sauce (marinara, parmesan cream, buffalo, roasted red pepper, or pesto), and then pick your side (pasta, cole slaw, fresh vegetables, cream spinach, or deep fried mashed potato balls), and then NOM NOM NOM.
3/31 hot roast beef sandwich
4/04 Five Guys (fundraiser for the American Diabetes Association): double cheeseburger with lettuce, onion, relish, ketchup and mustard, and ALL THE FRIES

Alas, alack, the season of gloriousness is over and I must set all this aside for yet another year. Oh, ethics, why art thou so cruel?

Friday, February 17, 2012

Lauren's Lessons for Life, updated

Lauren's Lessons for Life (originally posted 2/17/09)

1. you're only as old as the number of kids you have
2. never share a living arrangement with someone you refer to as "Crazy Bitch." Or Crazy anything, really.
3. never make any life changing decisions (getting married, having a child, adopting a pet) because you think you should or someone tells you that you have to, only do it because you know you want to (and you're financially and situationally able to)
4. never make any life changing decisions because you think it will "make things better"
5. always dance to "your song" before you dance to it at your wedding
6. never get your partner's name (or lips) tattooed onto your body -that's just a fast track to doomsville (ask Johnny Depp or Tommy Lee if you don't believe me)
7. just because you can doesn't mean that you should (just ask billionaire John Hammond, founder and chief executive officer of International Genetic Technologies, if you don't believe me)
8. never buy anything from a "but wait! if you call now..." commercial and expect it to perform as advertised
9. never discuss another man's meat
10. never argue with a hot chick (especially when she's offering you alcohol)
11. shut the fuck up and drink
12. you can either shoot someone or you can tell them a story, but you don't get to do both (thanks, Dr. House)
13. never, ever wear clothes with words written across your butt -unless you are a roller derby girl and/or you're getting paid for it
14. never be in the wedding of anyone you actually want to remain friends with afterward
15. never put anyone else's marbles into your barn unless you first ask their permission
16. never close your eyes while you're spanking your monkey
17. life is too short to not eat the cookies
18. never bracket a sandwich
19. never have a bumper sticker that you can't defend in an elevator speech when confronted by an angry and unintelligible driver next to you at a stoplight
20. if you feel you need to complain about your partner on Facebook, maybe don't be in that relationship

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

guilt by association

Just as Chris Benoit's admirable career and various achievements are forever tarnished and diminished by his murdering his wife and child, any success Joe Paterno had as a football coach is sullied and stained by his negligence toward the horrific child abuse happening under his watch. He may have been a great coach and may have many accolades and accomplishments under his belt, but these are all overshadowed by the child abuse in which he is complicit.

The difference between Benoit and Paterno? Benoit may have committed the crimes himself, but Paterno's victims are still alive and still suffering for his silence.